that's a hard name to live up to.
i feel like that's a title i'm stuck with forever.
i'm energetic and funny. everyone loves the clown.
i think...

sunday proved to be another day i question that.
in the recent few months, i've really felt like that i'm that friend that will only be left feeling like everyone around her comes up short.
i love my friends. i really do. i do what i can to make sure they know that. but i think that's an issue sometimes.
you know how, when you go to a job interview and they ask you what your weaknesses are? you give them your assets disguised as "weaknesses" ["sometimes i work too hard"].
i feel that way too often. "i give too much. i care too much about others."
blah blah blah.
sunday was an off day. everything was off.
merge felt a little off - the boys seemed a little off - the weather was kinda odd - even our waitress at lunch was bogus. even if others seem outta sorts, i'm usually the one to kinda change the mood.
but instead, all of that seemed to bring me down. i went from about a seven to a three real quick.
in the midst of all the weirdness, i got to have a really cool convo with my wonderful holly.
she's so good at helping me see things in a different perspective. or just helping me see things in general.
she asked me about a very close friendship of mine that has kinda fizzled out recently [which gave me some much needed insight in how i should deal with the change]. then later, told me something really cool. we were talking about how most people see me as a kid because i seem to look like a teenager, but then, when you talk to me, you see i am much more than a kid and i'm more of an adult than i realize.
how cool is that to hear?
people always tell me when i gripe about looking so young that i should be grateful because when i get older, i still won't look my age.
forget that. i wanna hear things like you know i'm an adult by my articulation and conversation.
that was one of the coolest compliments to get ever.

so as the day went on, i started feeling more and more left behind. maybe it has something to do with the fact that i have a whack schedule. i went from a pretty structured work and church schedule to every week, my hours are all over the place. and it sucks. i think i'm pretty versatile when it comes to adjusting to total structure or total spontaneity and chaos.
but going from a set schedule for two plus years to having to make sure i put my schedule somewhere so i can make sure i don't miss a shift has been a tough change to make.
everyone's lives around me stay the same. they still randomly meet up and get dinner or just hang out. then three days later, i get to hear the stories of an outing i missed due to needing to be at one or two of my places of employment.
i feel left behind.
then we go to lunch and i try telling one of the boys how i've been feeling lately and i get interrupted - more than once.
it's fine. i understand that i've chosen to spend the majority of my free time getting close to five boys, that all, in one way or another, suffer from a.d.d. not to mention the fact that they are male. the problem being that they aren't super connected to their emotions. so they aren't necessarily the people i should be looking to for sympathy for feeling the way i do.
so i move on, like i was finished with the story. now on to something they can keep their busy minds focused on.

then i get a ride back to the church. at that point, we had about an hour and a half til night service and i live a half hour away now. so no point in going all the way home. now, i'm starting to get mad at the fact that i don't live in the southwest part of town anymore. so i sat in my car in the parking lot watching glee - trying to get my mind off of how i felt. 

so i decide to go into the church and get a seat for service and i pass by two of my brothers and no one says anything to me. then i get all upset about that. the thing the enemy likes to attack me with is my friendships with those i'm close to. and sunday was no exception. 

i always feel like i care a lot about people and it's never returned in the way i want it. and that sucks. and when i feel like that, i get into this mood. this mood that i wanna be completely isolated. like, move to another city where i know no one and live a quiet, lonely life... alone.
i feel like i come off as eager - too eager - and people get sick of me. and i know that's from the enemy. it's not from god. i feel like i get pulled in two directions. one direction being that i wanna be super social all the time. then in the other direction of just wanting quiet and stillness. both of which i rarely get to have. 

i've been blessed with two amazing jobs. most people don't even get one and i get to have two. so when things go in a direction i wish they hadn't, i've looked to the other to pick up the slack. and of course i get let down. i really wish things didn't go the way they had with a certain few people at my dream job. the only thing i can do is say 'sorry' for not being who people thought i was. i want to succeed and i've failed in doing so because i look out more for others than i do myself. and i can't be expected to do that all the time.

[i hope you read this. and if you do, i want you to know that i love you. you were an amazing sister to me. and i miss you. i miss knowing you were in the building by being able to smell your perfume [yes i have a creepy nose]. i miss your words of encouragement. you always knew how to speak truth with love. and i miss how supportive you were by coming to church with me for christmas and easter. i miss sharing that with you.]

becoming an adult in the recent months has been an extremely tough transition. close friends having babies. situations with best friends breaking the friendships to pieces. the issue of time. there's never enough time to see and spend time with the people i love most. but i guess that's adulthood. and it's something i'm gonna hafta get used to.

now back to sunday. i sit down alone in the back. i just wanna talk to god. michael comes and sits with me and i completely ignore him - like it's his fault i feel the way i do. ugh. i hate that i do that. but it's tough when one : one of the people i spend most of my spare time with is a dude. opening up to a dude about emotional crap is hard. two : it's harder when the dude has a fiance. the rules change. so i keep my emotions to myself... kinda.

during service, i pretended like i was ok. then during communion, when we remember why god did what he did and why jesus is who he is, i hear god tell me, "you keep forgetting. you keep forgetting what i tell you over and over. i made you different. i made you to love til you're empty and when you're empty, to come to me to fill you back up. and go right back out and do it again. you love. you have the potential to love like i do and you get caught up in feeling it in return. stop it. you know no one will love you like i do. no one ever could. so stop looking for them to love you the way you think you think you need to be. but remember i will love you endlessly." i just started silently weeping. "you pretend like it doesn't bother you, but i know you better than that. it does and it shouldn't. in your beautiful heart, you know the truth. take the bread. the bread that represents the body i loved enough to break for your heart to be whole. now take the cup. drink it. it represents the blood that was spilled from the body of the son i sent to bring you home to me. never forget these elements and what they mean. don't take them unless you commit to remembering what they mean and how much your heart for others means to me. no one will ever be like you. never forget."

it's so humbling to hear his voice so clear.
even now, as i sit here, listening to music given to musicians for others to know your love :

beautiful god.
laying your majesty aside.
you reached out in love to show me life.
lifted from darkness into light.
oh
king for a slave.
trading your righteousness for shame.
despite all my pride and foolish ways.
caught in your infinite embrace.
oh

and I find myself here on my knees again.
caught up in grace like an avalanche.
nothing compares to this love love love.
burning in my heart.

saviour and friend.
breathing your life into my heart.
your word is the lamp unto my path.
forever i'm humbled by your love.
oh

and I find myself here on my knees again.
caught up in grace like an avalanche.
nothing compares to this love love love.
burning in my heart.

take my life.
take all that i am.
with all that i am i will love you.
take my heart.
take all that i have.
jesus how i adore you.

and i find myself here on my knees again.
caught up in grace like an avalanche.
nothing compare to this love love love.

sunday ended better than it started. i was able to remember god's words.
then i had a really cool conversation with josiah about sunday. i told him everything i'd been feeling and everything god had told me that night as i sat in the auditorium. then he tells me michael brought up that something was up with me, but didn't know what.
as i listen to him tell me this, i hear god's voice again, reassuring me, "see? the people i've placed in your life do care about you. it's never gonna show the way you'd like it to, but i'm gonna show you my love thru others."

i'm blessed. more blessed than i can ever know or acknowledge. but he'll always know the words to speak to my heart.
so when i feel like no one cares, it's always gonna be him that cares more than anyone on earth ever could. and i hafta remember that.
i hafta remember that when i feel like people come up short, he won't. and he'll show me the important ones won't ever come up short.

i'm not sure i always be the life of the party. but if that's what he wants, i can't say no.

a year ago today, you left and went home to oklahoma.
i still remember that day like it was yesterday.
i felt like such a baby. crying like i was losing you forever.
oh wait i kinda did.
we don't talk. you've become a stranger.
things weren't that great before you left, but man... i knew i was gonna miss you like crazy.
i sat in the parking lot at the cracked egg after you and jason left and cried til i gave myself a headache.
cried like you died. i've never felt the feelings for anyone else like i have and still continue to feel for you.
and you have nothing. what makes it even worse... you know all this and you still act like you aren't affected.
well guess what? i'm affected. you broke me. i don't let people break me. and i let you.
but it's not your fault - it's completely mine.
you're human. you probably like the idea someone has these feelings for you. and who wouldn't?
you don't hafta have feelings in return. it's easier that way because you live so far away.
who's to say i wouldn't do the same thing?

so then seven months later, the opportunity comes up to see you again.
i can't even describe how excited i was at the thought of being able to spend some time with you.
really just to see you. 
you let me down big time that trip. you had some very mixed signals.
the good morning texts. the hoping we could hang out during our down time texts - mixed in with you ignoring me or awkwardly hugging me hello and goodbye - mixed back in with the i miss you already texts.
you've been playing games. i don't play games. i've been very upfront with you.
i don't deserve games.

it's funny because if you read this, it's not new. i've told you all this already.
still you don't know how you feel. and that's lame. completely lame.
you know what you wanna do. but you're not man enough to be honest about it.
whether you're scared of having a long distance relationship, you don't know how to say you don't feel the same or you just don't wanna lose this person somewhere out there pining for you, FIGURE IT OUT.
if you care about me at all, make a freaking decision. let me have some kind of closure.
i've been searching for it, but i can't find it.
i have this hope. this completely pointless hope in you.

i've let you go some. i don't wanna be desperately seeking after you anymore.
this might be shocking to you, but there was a point where i thought i could be in love with you.
but i now know you can't be in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way in return.
i hate to say this, but there are days i wish i hadn't met you because it's made me question myself.
"what can i do to make myself what you'd want? what do i need to change about me to make it easier for you to decide you wanna be in a relationship with me?"
no. i will not ask those questions of myself anymore. you've proven to not be worthy of me.
i shouldn't hafta change myself for anyone, especially someone who's pretty much, dragged my feelings thru the mud and contributed to my feelings of inadequacy.


with all that being said...
happy anniversary.

“you are beautiful.
you have a big heart, full of love to give.
give it. give it all. and when it’s empty, i’ll fill it back up for you to give some more.
i created you to love and love like i love you and you haven’t been doing that.
love til it hurts. then let me bandage the wound and continue.
i’ve brought you this far. i’ve brought you this far and you think i’m gonna let you go?
there’s no way i could do that. i love you too much.
you been thru much worse. and look at you. i’ve picked you up and dusted you off.
you are gorgeous. i made you that way. you think i made a mistake?
i put every freckle on your cheeks. i put every speck of color in your blue eyes.
you think you’re chubby? so what. i think you’re beautiful.
you see those mountains? those trees and the bushes that surround them?
i did that.
every mountain. every rock. every patch of grass. every cloud hovering above.
all for you. with more love than you could ever fathom.
there’s that one man you think you love, but what’s the point if he doesn’t love you and appreciate everything that i made you to be?
it’s wasted.
know that i have created someone for you that loves every small detail about you that i do.
he’s out there. don’t be afraid to wait for him. i promise he’s worth it.
you have so much love and life to give and you’re keeping it all to yourself.
why? what are you scared of?
don’t be afraid of being open.
don’t be afraid of being let down.
people let me down daily. but i love relentlessly.
because i know people’s true hearts.
and yours is no exception.
you believe in people. and i love that about you.
why? because i made you that way.
i created you with a personality that reaches many. don’t be shy.
let that light shine. it’s a pure and loving light.
why question who you are? and why let others allow you to do that?
you know you’re on the right path.
you know what’s works for you.
and you know what i expect of you.
keep to that path and you’ll be just fine.
i love you, beautiful daughter. and don’t ever forget that.”

i heard that on my way home. and if i wasn’t driving, i woulda dropped to my knees and buried my face in the ground in praise.
instead i pulled over and gazed into the vast distance of the mountains and sky and bawled.
i’ve never heard god’s voice so clear.
and it made me tremble.
i’ve never heard those things spoken to me by him.
and i don’t think i’ve ever been so willing to listen.

thank you, lord, for being my all.
thank you, lord, for being my everything.
i don’t deserve any of this.
but i’m taking it and changing for you.

 the flowers cut and brought inside
black cars in a single line.
your family in suits and ties
and you're free.
the ache i feel inside
is where the life has left your eyes.
i'm alone for our last goodbye,
but you're free.

i remember you like yesterday, yesterday.
i still can't believe you're gone.
oh i remember you like yesterday, yesterday.
and until i'm with you, i carry on.

adrift on your ocean floor
i feel weightless numb and sore.
a part of you and me is torn,
you're free.
i woke from a dream last night,
i dreamt that you were by my side.
reminding me i still had life
in me.

i remember you like yesterday, yesterday.
i still can't believe you're gone.
oh i remember you like yesterday, yesterday.
and until i'm with you, i carry on.
i'll carry on, i'll carry on.

every lament is a love song.
(yesterday, yesterday)
i still can't believe you're gone.
every lament is a love song.
(yesterday, yesterday)

so long my friend, so long.


november third it’ll be a year.
man… i can’t believe it’s already been a year.
this song amazingly put every thought i have of you into words.
memories of you have come up a TON lately.
god’s really been working on me thru those memories.
funny thing… he’s been showing me i’m not as messed up as i once believed i was.
blogs about how crappy life is or has been are easier to write.
writings about how great life is harder because those are the things you hafta search for. it’s easier to focus on negativity.
but things really haven’t been that bad since i last wrote.
it’s been close to i think six months since i've really written. and i’ve done a lot of growing in those months.
had many epiphanies. had many life conversations. had many life lessons. cried many tears. laughed a lot. said goodbye to people. started on life long paths of friendships. fixed broken relationships. attempted to nurse broken ones. i’ve had my heart torn to pieces. then glued back together.
i’ve lived.
but there’s still something missing.
you’re always gonna be missing.
my heart still hurts when i remember how much i miss you.
i’ll still expect to see you when we hang out.
i don’t think you knew the impact you had on those that loved you.
you have big shoes to fill. shoes that won’t ever be filled.

in all that’s come with your death, it’s helped me live.
it’s helped me remember why we’re all here.
we’re here to love. that’s it.
why do we try to complicate it?
god, you gave us a very specific example thru your son.
we’re to love those like you love us.
why is that so hard?
for me, i used to be a “regardless of what you’ve done in the past, i love.”
used to be.
i’m not like that anymore. i’ve been broken and bruised too many times.
help me get back to that.
how do i do that? how do i allow you to do that??
i don’t wanna be who or how i was before.

i’ve felt more defeated in the past couple months than i think i have ever felt before.
but at the same time, i think i’ve heard the still small voice louder and clearer than ever before.
situations in my life have come up and have caused me to question my decisions, my path and myself and i don’t like that.
i used to be so sure of where god wanted me. and now i’m not sure of anything.
that’s a lie.
i’m sure that god’s gonna use me wherever i go – just as long as i allow him to and trust that that’s how he wants it.



i wanna be away from people who take me for granted.
i wanna be around people who understand how god made me.
and i can’t wait for a new and much needed chapter in my life.

 thinking about tonight, one word comes to mind.
“wow.”
as often as i feel sorry for myself for feeling “outta sight, outta mind”, tonight should make up for it.

i had almost everyone that i love the most in one room for three hours. just looking around at room, i can’t begin to describe the happiness my heart felt. i don’t like gifts. ok that’s a lie. who doesn’t like gifts? but to me, the best gift is time.
time spent laughing.
time spent talking.
time spent listening.
time spent living.
and i got to do that tonight with people i seriously love.

my circle of friends has expanded like crazy. from adults to graduated seniors and i couldn’t be more blessed. each person i got to spend time with tonight has helped shape me into who i am now and will be soon.

no one had to come. no one had to spend the time or money trying to find a band t-shirt for tonight. no one had to take the time to text me if they couldn’t make it. people did it because they care and i am worth the time and effort. i think god has to slap me with nights like tonight to prove to me the role he’s planned for me to play in this life. every encouraging card and smiling face i got to see tonight proves that he’s got much, much more ready and waiting for me. and i’m finally ok with patiently waiting for it. i think big things are gonna happen this year. i’m not sure what. but i’m pretty sure my life is gonna be turned upside down. i’m happy to say god’s gonna be there every step of the way and i can’t freaking wait.

i'm reminded of that constantly.
i get hurt by others : not my home.
i feel defeated : not my home.
emotions take over : not my home.

i had an extremely trying and emotional day last week.
a day where i felt completely and utterly defeated.
the enemy was let in and lies were spread and i believed every single one.
and listening to the rocket summer broke me down.
these lyrics hit me hard [like they needed to].


thank you god.
you're so patient with me.
i really don't deserve it.
i'm a jerk in my relationship with you.
i don't take the time i need to to develop a healthy relationship with you.
and still? you love me. unconditionally at that.
it amazes me.
as much as i wish i was in a relationship with someone, i keep reminding myself i need to focus on my time with you.
and that's way more important than my desire to be in an earthly relationship. by far.

i don't want to be emotionally attached to anyone that doesn't understand how much you love me.
i don't want to be emotionally attached to someone that doesn't understand how to treat your daughter.

emotional attachment sucks.
you always hurt... if you let it happen.
god calls us to be cautious with our heart because people will always break it if you let them.
i'm tired of being broken-hearted and defeated.
i'm confident in who i am. but i also recognize my faults, flaws and insecurities.
in all of that, i need to remember that i'm worth it.
"it" meaning :
people's time.
god's love.
patience.
grace.
mercy.

why do i think i'm not? why wouldn't i be?
so many times, we put all this effort into things that don't matter and they overtake us.
oh wait... you don't do that? it's just me? oh ok. nevermind.

i love the way things are in my life now.
i love my job.
i love my church.
i love my family.
i love my friends.
i'm excited for the future and the adventures it'll bring.
i'm ready for growth.

i think i've said that in the past and not really been ready for it.
growing pains are not my forte`.
i'm still more broken than ever. but i'm learning to work thru it and let god use it to my advantage.

so here's to the future.
let's make it an adventure worth remembering.


by the way : i'm sitting on the floor between two chairs.
sitting on the floor is wonderfully freeing.
i love it.

 dear _______,

i hope this finds you well.
i hope things where you are are going the way you'd like and the way god would be most pleased.
i'm sending this letter because all of the things i wish for you above are things that i wish for myself and have not received.
to be honest, i've actually been the opposite.

things have become so different.
i'm not 'me' anymore.
things in my life are going really great.
starting school.
work is fab.
i have wonderful friends that care about me.
i have a wonderful family (church and otherwise).
house church has been great.
things have all around been very productive lately.

except for this one thing involving you.

it doesn't stop.
i feel like i've become this mindless ball of emotion.
like a loose cannon - i'm good one moment, then i think of you and i'm done.
i don't like that i've let you affect me like you have.

one of my best friends texted me this tonight :
"i don't mean this in a rude way at all but it seems like you pour so much time and energy into people who could care less.
what about the people who care about YOU?"
you were the only one i thought of.
and that sucks.
you told me i became one of your best friends.
and now i never hear from you.
she's right. i've wasted my time and energy. and i continue to waste it. and i hate it.

i can't stop thinking about you.
thinking about how you're doing.
thinking about what you're doing at random times.
i miss you. and i miss you a lot. it takes every effort in me not to tell you.
but i don't wanna be rejected by you. or ignored. i'm tired of being cast aside by you.
i've cried too many times because of the way i've let you make me feel.
i understand - you're a guy and guys process thru things in a completely different way than girls do.
but when you miss someone, you tell them. i don't care if you're a dude or not.
if you care enough, you communicate that.
and you don't.

so i sit here, thinking "why do i waste my time thinking about you and why do i hope my phone is buzzing with a text or phone call from you?"
when i could be out with people that DO talk to me - with people who make an effort with me.
instead, i sit here feeling like a complete douche bag because i miss someone who says they care, but doesn't care enough to prove it.
and i have one person in my life telling me i don't make an effort. i'm doing the exact same thing you're doing to me.

the difference between you and i is that i WILL make an effort.
and you'll stay silent.

i hope this wakes you up.
you were a big, important part of my life. and as quick as you entered it, i find myself wishing you'd disappear just as quick.
i've done what i can to speed along that process, but it doesn't come.
i sincerely wish this helps. i don't wanna be so wrapped up in my feelings for you.

all this just makes me question myself.
i know i deserve better. friendships and otherwise. but i continue to subject myself to people who aren't healthy for me.
then in all of this, i wonder what's wrong with ME. when, in all actuality, it's got nothing to do with me.
i was the same to you as i am with everyone else. YOU'RE the one who couldn't handle it.
i guess you win some, you lose some.

if you actually read this, things may be a little weird the next time i see you.
i'm willing to make that sacrifice. i'll be honest and nothing will stop that.
i'm not gonna do what you're doing and run from reality and hope this will just go away.
because hoping this will ever get dealt with and it doesn't has only made it harder for ME to deal with.
and i'm done with that.

so the ball's now in your court.
let it roll away or do something with it.
it's up to you. but it's your move.


sincerely,
blair.